The Sweetness of it All

What goes around comes around. The saying had never held so much meaning as it does now. It’s uncanny the way every action, every thought and every word is getting repeated. The same cycle of emotions, denial, rejection, anger, heartbreak… how ironic. Whatever I had said one day, all that someone had complained about, all my justifications and all their judgements are getting repeated. The only difference is today I am at the receiving end of what I had doled out one day.

I do not feel any anger, but there is a strange sense of satisfaction, as if I have been absolved of my sins. My tears have wiped away my wrong doings, in a way no amount of punishment could. How light I feel! Every day, each action is like a stab in my heart, the pain so sweet, as it fills up the veins mixing with the blood, choking me. I am not a sadist, but this gives me so much pleasure; as I thank God for this opportunity to redeem my pile of guilt, I feel a little frightened. I am ready to take more, so that the equation is balanced and there is no leftover to affect the people dearest to me. Please God, let the account be balanced and closed, never to be opened.

The funny thing is being on both sides of similar situations, I took such a long time to accept that change was inevitable, all that was there was then and all that is here is now. I took such a long time to realise the tell-tale signs. Was it denial? I do not know. But now the way things are, suddenly I jerk up and sit straight, and see everything so clearly. Why is it that when we are on the receiving end of a situation that is to our disadvantage, we always ignore the inevitable? How clear it was to me when I was sending the same signals. How I loathed the person who never seemed to understand what I was telling, quite clearly through my actions and words.

This had to happen, what had gone around had to come around. It’s a balanced world. No action can go without a reaction. How grateful I am to be able to go through this torture, for this opportunity that destiny had handed out so benevolently.